Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fires and Closed Doors

It is nearly 3 months since my life got turned upside down and still there seems to be things falling out of its pockets. This week it was what to do about a fire.  Every summer for many years, three of us had a summer solstice fire. In the past years, it has opened up to include other women.

At the fire, we would talk about what had happened since last year and what was going on in the present. And we would make rash promises about things we'd like to improve or change about our lives. We'd write these in a notebook, and look back at them each year.

Well, two of the three of us were me and my ex. The third is a friend I've known for 22 years, and my ex for 21. And she has been supporting my ex.

Yet I get the notice that this thing is going to happen, and which of 3 dates work for me. Huh?

What do you do about a situation like that? There is tradition. History. Nostalgia for the past. I like some of the new women. But how can I look across the fire at someone who deceived me and feel anything but, well, deceived...

This reminds me once again, as so much has these days, of the frailty of life and relationships. Nothing lasts forever. Even something cherished can become tarnished. People come into our lives. Stay a long time. Then when they decide to leave, they can take so much with them that is not theirs to take.

I see so many doors around me closing and I have yet to see the one that is supposed to have opened.  Intellectually, I know this is going to prove to be the best thing for me. I already see how relieved I am to be out of that cloud of negativity that had settled over my house over the past few years.

Yet there is so much uncertainty and fear because being suddenly single is still very new and unfamiliar. Patterns of living, thinking believing, and feeling, laid down over nearly 12 years, do not reroute quickly. It is a painful freakin' process and I resent being forced to go through it. But I am also stubborn and brave and I will get through and be magnificent!

But not today.

I have cried so many tears these past months. More tears than I thought I had in me for a lifetime. One day, I am told, by those who have walked this road before me, the tears will stop. And I will feel better. I won't have a hole in my chest. Betrayal won't be on my mind. I get glimpses of this, but for now, they are fleeting. Then the slogging on the journey of emotional recovery continues and the road still stretches to the horizon.

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