Thursday, May 27, 2010

Good Enough

Last night I was mowing the lawn and got that feeling again that I've had since X left.  That this place is too big for me. Too much for me.  Only this time I decided to keep following the thought beyond the surface. I went down to the stone circle and I asked Why? Why is it too big? Why is it too much?

The answer I got was unexpected. It was not because it was a shared dream and somehow now not right for me to be there alone. It was not that the house is really too big or the property too much.

The answer was that I had a belief deep inside that I didn't deserve such a place. Not on my own... I was appalled. The inner predator had found a new way to work on me, by whispering that I should be in a small place, something modest and humble. Two garages? Five bedrooms? Who do you think you are?

But once these inner lies were revealed, they began to melt like ice on a sunny day. Of course I deserve this place! I've always felt lead to be here.  The house number is the same as my beloved home that I left 10 years ago to move to a house in town owned by X. It had broken my heart to leave that place and I grieved that for a long time.

Here I am, living in this place that has the same house number. That has all the features I'd put on my destiny maps before I ever found it. Where I built a 7 circuit labyrinth *all by myself* and installed a stone circle *all by myself*.  I am the one who mowed the lawn 95% of the time since 2002. The one who planted and tended the gardens. Organized the tools in the shed then moved them all to the shop last summer. Raked stones every spring, by both driveways (even the one X used) that were dislodged by the snow plow ever winter.

I was the one who gathered up the broken branches and sticks from the winter to put out for the Town to mulch up every spring, and the yard waste from the summer out in the fall.  One winter we had a massive ice storm that broke dozens of limbs. I was the one who hauled all of them to the roadside. In 8 years, X had never put one stick on those piles.

I have financial equity in this house, but I also have sweat equity. I felt a fierceness rise up in me as I truly took sole ownership of the house and property in that moment. It is my house. Not our house. Not X's house. My house.

In January when X announced intention to  throw our life away, I had asked the Universe to help me make it possible to stay there, and it has. I said I want to be there for however long the land needs me as its steward. For however long my soul needs this sanctuary as its home. That is what has happened. It is where I was destined to live. It is just the right size for me.

1 comment:

gama said...

nice house ...

scenery as well ...

I like there ...