Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Love of My Life

I called home today to leave myself a message about how wonderful I am. This idea came after an early morning walk. I was remembering saying X was the love of my life,  so what do you do when said X walks out? Does X remain the love of my life? Well hell no! 

This idea of  a love of one's life being someone else is part of the toxic fairy tale spun to us from childhood.  That there is one person who completes us. One person to spend our life with. One person who makes us whole, who we make whole. 

Yet all the evidence around us is the opposite. Half of relationships end. People come and go in our lives for all of our lives. That is normal and natural. But we treat that truth as abnormal, as signaling failure. Must be you are unlovable. Must be you did something wrong if they left. Or, guess I picked "the wrong one" after all.

Toxic.

This morning, as the birds were singing and the rising sun was shining on my face, I realized that the love of my life should be ME.

Who am I with from birth to death? Me.

Who is always there with me during every one of life's ups or downs? Me.

Who is responsible for where I live, how I live, who I am, what I become, what becomes of me? Me.

X was someone who walked along the trail for awhile. Now X is gone. Guess who is still walking on the trail.

Me.

I realized today that I need to be the love of my own life. That to give that away to someone else is to sell myself out. Someone can be A love IN my life, but not THE love OF my life.

I'd already some years go embraced the concept that nothing is more important than my happiness. It became clear years ago that I had to take care of myself because it was no one else's job to do that. It would be up to me what kind of life I have and I was not going to be a victim and let life happen to me. I was going to go out, have a plan, and attract the life I want. That life would include people I love and who love me.

I've been moving toward the realization that I must be the love of my own life for some time. I just think the cultural blasphemy of it kept it out of consciousness until today :-) 

One more layer of the humility onion peeled away to reveal another way that it really is okay to love myself, to put me first, to be my own significant other, and to dare to be different.  I want to be that person that won't have regrets, that lives a fulfileld and happy life.  So I am not  afraid of change.  I will look at any sacred cultural cow, and if it doesn't serve me, turn it out of my life's pasture.

Years ago I pledged to be conscious and pay full price for it, because I want to be awake in my life, and live a fabulous time. I don't need someone else around to do that. I just need me. 

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