Friday, May 14, 2010

Second Quarter

I have moved into the second quarter of this first year since X walked out.  Life is better. Still rough, but better. The ickiness is gone.  The hole in my chest has closed. There is a rhythm to my life today that only comes from living a day at a time, until the new becomes the usual. I am in "usual" land.

My house doesn't feel haunted. It feels like my home, warm, safe, and peaceful. I've made changes in it that are all mine, decided by me, done by me. X would hate some of it, which makes me smile.

Inside, I am different. I have embraced making decisions and acting. When I want to do something, I do it. I have more people in my life and have seized new opportunities.  Hell, I even start a second job next week, doing something I've never done before. And I am going to be fabulous at it and have a good time because that is what I do and who I am.

I am a happy person who has regained her happiness, most of the time. I still have my moments, and there is no way to know what will set it off. But it passes much quicker because I know it will pass. I've cried the rivers of tears and felt the gut-wrenching feelings.  I've poured over the memories, lamented my loss, railed at the Universe, and faced the pain.

And now I am seeing the reward for that hard inner work.  I like the life I have today.  I wake up and think about what my day will bring.  There are fun things on my calendar, as well as lots of time to read, hang with my cat, and putter around my beloved home.

I liked my old life too, but that's over now. I can say that without the stab of pain. Simple truth. And it's okay with me.

Where I still struggle today is coming to acceptance about the lies. It isn't about when did they start or how long did X lie to me? I spent some time spinning my wheels on that.

It isn't about what is true and what is not.  See, I have no way of ever answering those questions. The reason they can never be answered is that the details of the lies are meaningless.  All that matters is that X lied instead of giving our relationship the courtesy of treating it with honesty and respect.

My work now is to put that in perspective.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer summed it up beautifully on her blog this week:

"The trouble with lies is that they stick to the stories that give us meaning, they contaminate everything, make us doubt our own experience of what we thought was good and true. We stop trusting our memories, our ability to tell truth from lies."

The lies X told still stick to my memories and beliefs about the life we had. I don't know yet whether those lies will end up having so poisoned memories of our former life as to render it unfit for emotional and mental habitation. Will I have to turn from it, as if it were a radioactive wasteland?

I think that is where I am headed and I need to come to peace with that. The joint past and the shared life have become toxic and there is no way to know when the poison began to spread.

What isn't rendered toxic is my experiences and my memories of my life. Those are precious and remain because they are about me. I am a happy person and I have lived a happy life. I was not the one to leave. Not the one to throw in the towel on nearly 12 years, without a fight, without trying to save it.

If X had stayed, I'd be working on the relationship. But X ran off. I'm still here, and I have reclaimed my home, my life, and my sense of personal purpose.

I am happy today. I love my life. I am excited about my future.  If I can heal this much and it is only the 2nd quarter, I am very optimistic that a year from now, I will see this as being a very good thing that happened  to me. Not because I wanted out, because I didn't. But because I embraced the unexpected opportunity and decided to be happy.

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